Hideo Kojima needs to stay away from Honda

Mister Kojima. Please stay away from an engineering design table?

Before I make everyone really angry at me, I want to give this a bit of preface. I love the Metal Gear franchise. I accept that it's one of the most disconjointed stories the world has ever seen. I know that Ocelot double crosses Volgin to work for the United States under a shadow organization, winds up working as a member of FoxHound, but is only doing it as an operative of Solidus, who he is actually working against in favor of the patriots, who he... Well, MGS4 is still just a year old, and many of us don't own a PS3, so... suffice it to say, he double crosses, I wanna say, seven sets of people.

I might actually include here. If you're avoiding MGS4 spoilers, you might skip this. But, mind you, it has absolutely nothing to do with the ending. It involves the tail end of chapter four, which you probably already know. So... If you don't want to know stuff that's already pretty well known, then, a'ight, I'll write more later.

...I just realized Ocelot is Disconjointed, not really the series itself. If you can follow where he's going, you're good. And granted, the Big Boss Saga (MGS3, PortOps, Peace Walker(?) FTW) isn't NEARLY as convoluted. Cause, see, that story is pretty much as straight forward as can be. Or, at least as straight forward as any espionage story can be.

But, bouncing back to the point here. The series is pretty much indicative of Kojima'sanime mechanics." Which... I guess works. But if we allow for that, then I can't make another long winded post. So that simply won't do.

I don't think I can start at the end. But I guess, MGS3 begins this problem. The Shagohad has a screw propelled machine hybrid, meaning that the front end is pulled along by massive screws, while the back is propelled by a series of tires. Not that we have anyway of knowing, you never see them, as I recall. It didn't work out for me, really. I mean, too heavy, just doesn't look right at all. Seems too back heavy, I don't see how the propulsion system would work whatsoever, specifically for launching a nuke. I don't know.

I never said I know anything about engineering. I said he definitely doesn't.

Now as for the rest. We keep talking about how the Metal Gears are indestructible. But I think what really kills me about it? Tell me what about those legs can't be completely fucked by some dedicated fire? I mean, the platting can be pretty solid to be sure, but I mean, say you crack it, then it's over. And if it's too hard to crack, how do the legs move? Especially the really goofy ones from MG and MG2.

...fuck you, not on the NES. You never fight them on the NES. And Snake's Revenge isn't even a playable game.

I really don't get, though, how does blowing the feet of a giant robot hurt it. More over, why does it have to be a specific pattern? Couldn't you just pile fifteen units of C4 around each foot and then hit the kaboom? Or... like, throw C4 up onto the joints? And furthermore, that doe-...

Never mind. Let's skip forward. Cause I realized I'm never gonna get to the joke if I don't just get to the joke.

In MGS1, Snake destroys most of Shadow Moses, including Metal Gear Rex. Cause for starters, Snake blows off the tracking device, that big disc on the left hand side of the cock pit that made it so that REX could detect targets. Snake blew that up. And then, with that blown off, Snake tosses a bunch of grenades into the cock pit. Never mind the fact that he's throwing grenades into Liquid's lap. But essentially, he fries the cockpit. I mean, I thought the fist fight on top of REX, where Liquid mentions that it's fucked is kind of indicative of it being cooked.

Okay. fine. Four years later, we see that Liquid Ocelot is using the Super Metal Gear RAY that can pimpcrush every one and every thing. I mean. This fucker actually manages to break part of Arsenal Gear. One is left to presume. Or, perhaps, they decided to turn it on, toss a cinder blockMGS2 had Raiden as the lead, and I know precisely two people who like Raiden more than Snake.

Heya Jeff, Challen.

So right. As the game continues forward, we've got RAY, which they aren't all, YO THIS IS STILL AROUND! But we're left to believe, he probably kept it in pretty much working order. If nothing else, it's his Gran Turino that he polishes and locks in the garage while he, you know, burns villagers or some such.

This is where the actual spoilers kick in, kids. Run.

But if you don't guess everything I say that's factual, you're about as dumb as shit gets.

--

--

--

Okay. If you're still here, Aeris dies, Spike Dies, Dumbledore Dies, Everyone but Shinji dies, Everyone but Fei, Citan and Elly Die, She kills Bill, Sora sucks more dick than Parez Hilton's gay cousin. The Kingdom Hearts original characters are so fucking shitty, they don't warrant last names. Fograts.

Back to the point.

So here we are, roughly nine years after the Shadow Moses incident, Snake heads back to the Fox Archipelago to find some shit that I've currently forgotten. Naturally, we're doing flashback humor like a mother fucker. But then finally, they have to go and try and prev-oh yeah.

They go to Shadow Moses because Ocelot needs the railgun off of REX so that he can orbitallysatalite that controls the Patriot Oversystem. But, if the Patriots are simply destroyed, every facit of modern life goes with them, including the banks, telecommunications, the whole fucking world. Their stranglehold on the planet. So, Snake has to prevent it.

Well, they get there, little to late. You are ambushed by Vamp. Mind you, Snake is still feeling ill, and you've been on the long haul at this point, so Vamp can fun you up. You can't kill him. The idea is to wear him down to where you can grapple him, then stab him with your needle that quiets your nanomachines. Because his freaky death powers are based on NANO MACHINES! Quiet him up, he realizes he isn't regenerating anymore. Raiden appears and fights Vamp while you fight of Suicide Gekkos. Yes, Snake continues to play second fiddle to Raiden. God damn it.

Vamp is killed, Naomi kills herself, and you are put to defending REX while Otacon repairs REX. By upgrading it's controls. So, when he manages this, Snake climbs in and pilots REX out, fighting dozens of Suicide Gekkos while headed outside, only to be confronted by Ocelot inside of Metal Gear RAY. And Snake proceeds to use REX to smoke his ass.

Okay.

Problem.

In 2005, Snake blows up the guidance system so that the thing can only be piloted open, and then proceeds to lob hand grenades into the cock pit until it stops functioning. And then, it is left in the arctic cold for NINE YEARS, left to collect dust and rust, not receiving a polish, no maintenance, not even a fucking oil change, Ocelot comes back and steals the railgun off of it. And then, after fiddling with the system enough to make it working, sorta, it gets up, fights tiny mecha designed to essentially hug you and explode, and then goes forward to take on a mecha

You're trying to tell me that because it got upgraded from Windows 3.1 to Windows Vista, REX is now capable of ruining everything in it's path?

WHAT THE FUCK?!

How does this even work? The biggest glaring issue to me is that this thing was blown to bits. It was on fire at the end of MGS misunderstanding of machines. Now, I suppose we could go right to "It's on the gas pedal and just let it fly. Who cares. snipe the that is vastly it's superior at the moment.. It had rockets and grenades and bombs chucked into it's cockpit BEFORE being lit on fire, and then being left to rust for a decade. I know the story is convoluted, because it was written over the course of a quarter century, but SHIT, have at least a little common sense left to it.