Please read the blog, then watch the video. My pain.



Written while the video was uploading to Blip.tv

I kinda wanted to just put some notes on the episode up and just sorta talk for a minute. First of all, about the movie itself, and what caused this accident of a review, and just go from there.

My wife and I love shitty movies. Well, that's not terribly accurate. We love bad movies that accept they're bad, or throw in your bit of humor kinda knocking themselves. Terrible horror flicks are the bomb. And absolutely the pinnacle of film, to honest. I'm serious. I love bad movies that know it. But she loves bad movies, even and seemingly more when it thinks its any good. I just do not get it.

And apparently my single quote is stuck as the search function. How odd. I can do ", but not the lower case. How weird. So, no contractions for the rest of this post. Or, none with apostrophes.

So, back to the point.

A friend of ours, Jadzia, brought this movie over along with her PS3 and Dead Space. Naturally, I agreed with anything if I could play Dead Space. So, whatever. We sit down to watch.

Fuck I was angry.

Disjointed writing, terrible fucking directing, NO. LIGHTING. Seriously? I mean, I watched a few of his other flicks afterward and I realized. Richard Friedman owns exactly one lamp, and it's a bendy desk lamp. Aside from that, the actors just aren't good for the most part is just... terrible. And most of them, not good. The headliners, I recognized immediately. Kane Hodder and Denise Crosby, AKA, Jason from Friday the 13th 7-10 and Tasha Yar respectively. 'Notable' appearances from Eddie Velez as Father Anthony, who I know from the forced-to-watch White Chicks, and Vince Lozano as Ivan. No one knows this but me, I guess, but he was an extra in Pirates of the Carribean, the first one. If you wanna look him up, he's the pirate that shouts "I'm gonna show you a world of pain." to Will at the end of the flick.

Whatever.

SO back to the point. The movie is fucking terrible. It's like being raped in your eyes, and your ears, but with the script love child of The Omen and any give HBO porn.

So, whatever. It's a bad flick. I hate the god damn movie, but I sit through a hundred minutes of solid shit before just shaking my head, getting online and zoning out.

And then I had a dream about the movie. And I replaced Kane Hodder in the film.

I got a bit angry.

So, I decided to review it. And I thought, maybe a text review. I could do the whole movie, break down the whole thing, but then I decided, fuck, I wanna get in with some other guys. That's right, Mike Michaud, take a look at my video and upcoming ones. I wanna join Tg.

Or maybe a subsection of Spoony.

...

Anyways. So I decided to go with a video review. I told a friend, he gave me a copy of Vegas, which I'm learning, (it shows), and then tried to rip the DvD. Get this.

The DVD ripper actually just said "Error : No."

What the fuck kind of an error is that?! Later, it worked, and I got through it. But the audio was nothing but terrible screeches. What in the hell is that?! I mean damn it, that's just bad. So, I had to resort to torrenting.

To hell with you, I own the disc.

So, I do the filming. And I swear, I think I may have pissed off Zeus or something, because after uploading the film, it's all silent. SO I reshoot and reup it, it works fine. And then the next day, my throat was soar and swollen. Couldn't do the voice. For three days. Finally, on the forth day I managed it, and then I went over and started doing the work. Now, I don't know if there is an easier way to do it, but I wound up opening Vegas twice, one with the cuts, the other with the film I was actually working on, cut and past it, then did the effects. The effects I did not previously know about. Such as slow pans and image overlays.

Now, the slow pan was easy. Thanks, YouTube. But the censors were harder to do. Specifically, I couldn't find a tutorial on just putting in a bar, and how to do the frame-by-frame stuff. Which... is annoying, All I want is a black bar over the boobs. And I mean that seriously. There is a lot of boob in this movie, specifically, third act. But I couldn't figure it out, and I couldn't find anyone with a tutorial. So. To hell with it. Image overlays.

One word.



So, yeah. That's about all I have. So, go ahead, watch the review, or comment on what you've already watched, much despite my request.

Ass bags.